Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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