Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
