i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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