one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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