just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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