I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
