he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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