I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
