i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
