Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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