my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
