Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
