I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
