You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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