i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
