I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
