I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I puked a lego.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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