i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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