I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
