Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
