I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
In America we eat man semen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
