A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
