I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
