and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
