girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
