YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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