You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
