if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
