Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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