I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
