Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
