and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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