No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
