Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
