when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
