I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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