I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
