is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
