I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This is not my ceiling
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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