That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
