She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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