the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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