i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
