I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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