I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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