Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
