so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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