a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
