I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
