now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
